I'm Puddin Taine, and I find myself
being drawn in and out of pro wrestling.
I could tell you a lot about pro wrestling. I've watched it since I was 5. My earliest specific memory is an episode of WWF Spotlight that focused on the build-up to Summerslam '91. Summerslam '91 was a pay-per-view that had the odd distinction of a dual main event where a Hulk Hogan match shared top billing with the wedding of “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. I was confused then why a wedding was headlining a wrestling event and I'm confused now, which will lead to the first of the [Bold Declarations] by which I will become known.
BOLD DECLARATION #1 – I DON'T GET WRESTLING WEDDINGS
I don't get wrestling weddings. I'm not sure anyone does but Vince McMahon. I'm hard pressed to think of any other notable wrestling promoters that did them. I know other wrestling promotions have done wrestling weddings, but they were, frankly, shit-tier moneyhole promotions like late WCW or TNA that in their over-bureaucratized stupor were reduced to rank imitation of the Great Vince for lack of better ideas – or any real ideas whatsoever. They're derivative in form and function and I've already spent too much time considering them.
Vince McMahon, though, clearly feels that he's onto something with his juxtaposition of nuptials and wrestling rings. The first instance I know of is the wedding of Uncle Elmer, a forgotten wrestling hillbilly, and a certain Joyce back in the mid-80s. (I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't get the appeal of wrestling hillbillies, because ahahaha get a load of those merry sons of the soil.) Vince returned to it again with Macho and Elizabeth in '91, Stephanie and Undertaker/Test/HHH in the late 90s-early 00s, AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan, Kane and Lita, Edge and Lita, and probably others.
(I should confess here that I find the Stephanie-Undertaker and Edge-Lita weddings to be Top Tier Sports Entertainment but for reasons less to do with the wedding conceit and more to do with the fact that they were episodes in larger angles carried out by performers making the most of their hot streaks. Also the gay wedding where Eric Bischoff is in disguise as a minister and gets obese Samoans to beat people up for some reason is good.)
I guess I don't get the significance that Vince places in weddings in the wrestling context. I don't get why wrestling characters would feel compelled to get married as part of wrestling shows. It seems to be an outgrowth of Vince's delusion that he's really the maestro of a long-form drama/variety show hybrid. Vince has been trying to convince himself of this for years, and it's not truer now than when he started shopping it around as part of his press spiel: his outbursts of blunt corporate sloganeering and attempts at semantic wizardry make him come off as a cheap con man when he's really more of an elegant carny.
I could tell you a lot about pro wrestling. I've watched it since I was 5. My earliest specific memory is an episode of WWF Spotlight that focused on the build-up to Summerslam '91. Summerslam '91 was a pay-per-view that had the odd distinction of a dual main event where a Hulk Hogan match shared top billing with the wedding of “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. I was confused then why a wedding was headlining a wrestling event and I'm confused now, which will lead to the first of the [Bold Declarations] by which I will become known.
BOLD DECLARATION #1 – I DON'T GET WRESTLING WEDDINGS
I don't get wrestling weddings. I'm not sure anyone does but Vince McMahon. I'm hard pressed to think of any other notable wrestling promoters that did them. I know other wrestling promotions have done wrestling weddings, but they were, frankly, shit-tier moneyhole promotions like late WCW or TNA that in their over-bureaucratized stupor were reduced to rank imitation of the Great Vince for lack of better ideas – or any real ideas whatsoever. They're derivative in form and function and I've already spent too much time considering them.
Vince McMahon, though, clearly feels that he's onto something with his juxtaposition of nuptials and wrestling rings. The first instance I know of is the wedding of Uncle Elmer, a forgotten wrestling hillbilly, and a certain Joyce back in the mid-80s. (I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't get the appeal of wrestling hillbillies, because ahahaha get a load of those merry sons of the soil.) Vince returned to it again with Macho and Elizabeth in '91, Stephanie and Undertaker/Test/HHH in the late 90s-early 00s, AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan, Kane and Lita, Edge and Lita, and probably others.
(I should confess here that I find the Stephanie-Undertaker and Edge-Lita weddings to be Top Tier Sports Entertainment but for reasons less to do with the wedding conceit and more to do with the fact that they were episodes in larger angles carried out by performers making the most of their hot streaks. Also the gay wedding where Eric Bischoff is in disguise as a minister and gets obese Samoans to beat people up for some reason is good.)
I guess I don't get the significance that Vince places in weddings in the wrestling context. I don't get why wrestling characters would feel compelled to get married as part of wrestling shows. It seems to be an outgrowth of Vince's delusion that he's really the maestro of a long-form drama/variety show hybrid. Vince has been trying to convince himself of this for years, and it's not truer now than when he started shopping it around as part of his press spiel: his outbursts of blunt corporate sloganeering and attempts at semantic wizardry make him come off as a cheap con man when he's really more of an elegant carny.
For my part, when I enjoy wrestling
it's because it's fun to watch guys pretend to fight. Life consists
of conflicts, and occasionally these conflicts take the form of
aggressive sport, in which pro wrestling has a big advantage in being
able to engineer certain character dynamics through predetermined
results. I can't imagine it's much different for anyone else; when a
wrestling wedding is announced, the outcome can probably be guessed
at. If an outcome can be guessed at, I find myself asking why the
outcome couldn't have been achieved by way of fake sport, a market on
which WWE currently has a lock. A not-exactly-theoretical scenario
that illustrates my puzzlement: Wrestling Girl and Wrestling Boy are
characters on a wrestling show who need to break up – do you
achieve this object by having Wrestling Girl take an action that
leads to Wrestling Boy lose a big wrestling match? If you answer in
the affirmative, you're not an eccentric flamboyant millionaire, who
knows the best way to do this is to stage a wedding in a wrestling
ring and then have the wedding interrupted by having an authority
figure offer Wrestling Girl a new job. (This stops them from getting
married for some reason.)
I doubt the previous paragraph nor the whole bit on wrestling weddings will be characteristic of the blog. Vince McMahon is smarter than me or you and my occasional brow-furrowing at his mysterious ways are not to be confused with the impotent millennial whining that litters the internet landscape. (The netscape?) This is a blog for honest and manly men like myself in particular and if you don't like that you can make like a corporate re-branding and get the F out.
No, like any worthwhile endeavor, this blog is written to address a real and serious problem: I'm kind of bored with wrestling in its current state and I want to rediscover what I like about it. I think I'll start by going over one of my favorite wrestling DVD box sets, Wrestling Gold! Going over it one.match.at.a.time.
I doubt the previous paragraph nor the whole bit on wrestling weddings will be characteristic of the blog. Vince McMahon is smarter than me or you and my occasional brow-furrowing at his mysterious ways are not to be confused with the impotent millennial whining that litters the internet landscape. (The netscape?) This is a blog for honest and manly men like myself in particular and if you don't like that you can make like a corporate re-branding and get the F out.
No, like any worthwhile endeavor, this blog is written to address a real and serious problem: I'm kind of bored with wrestling in its current state and I want to rediscover what I like about it. I think I'll start by going over one of my favorite wrestling DVD box sets, Wrestling Gold! Going over it one.match.at.a.time.
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