Friday, January 27, 2017

I SING TO YOU A SONG OF WRESTLING GOLD: AN INTRODUCTION

WRESTLING Gold is a unique beast. As a brand, you may have seen it in videotape form on store shelves in the eighties and early nineties with an in-your-faaaaaace drawing of a popular wrestler on the cover. I recall seeing a Macho Man-themed cover at a gas station down the road, and the match-listings on the back made it seem like some hidden gem supertape featuring all sorts of cool dreammatches. The highlight of the Macho Man tape was a cagematch between he and Jerry Lawler, which on a lot of levels was very mind-blowing stuff to find out existed in 1994. It was as if you'd stumbled into some sick pro-wres samizdat, real Man in the High Castle stuff that told of alternate universes where King Kong Bundy and Rick Rude were a dominant tag team and Bobby Heenan managed villainous cowboys in a war against a pair of relatively nondescript middle-aged blond guys.

In reality, the matches overwhelmingly tended to be TV matches from a time when wrestling TV functioned as a promotional tool for non-televised live shows where the real money was made. There's lots of great action, but a lot of ultimately unsatisfied angle-building and screw jobs; c'est le vie, the atmosphere is what it's all about. Best I can tell, the Wrestling Gold library seems to be licensed matches from Joe Blanchard's Southwest Championship Wrestling, Paul Boesch's Houston NWA affiliate, Dick the Bruiser's AWA satellite territory, the Sheik's Big Time Wrestling and whatever Jerry Jarrett's Memphis territory happened to call itself at any given moment. Plus a lot of cool miscellaneous stuff.

Whatever licensing deal was made it must have been a good one because at the height of the wrestling boom 10+ years later the matches were re-released on DVD as a box set with the coolest bonus feature yet devised on any digitized vidya collection: commentary by Jim Cornette and Dave Meltzer. In 2001 these two had claim to the most encyclopedic minds for wrestling facts on the planet, and they dig deep to provide even the jabroniest of contests with lots of context that you couldn't quite get anywhere else in the Web 1.0 days. There's a lot more coverage and knowledge of the territories now in the era on-demand tape library cash-ins (that probably comes off as more cynical than I mean it to, it's very good that this stuff is streaming) but at the time this was a crash-course in an era of wrestling that had not only been ignored, but had been deliberately suppressed by the majors who tended to think it somehow benefited their product if people didn't remember anything older than three months back. In fairness, WWF was much more guilty of this than WCW, who tended to occasionally honor history whenever they felt like establishing a sacred hundred-year continuity that they were heir to, but WCW was so schizophrenic a genuine appreciation for history rarely stuck in between the various wrestling robots from the future and high-finance-themed heel stables. Hence a kid like me could pick up one of the early PWI Almanacs with the foolishly-removed-in-later-editions "History of Professional Wrestling" section and be shocked to learn that around the time he was born, flash-in-the-pain Intercontinental Champ Texas Tornado was one of the biggest stars in wrestling and was setting the world on fire in a feud with annoying WWF Mania co-host Dok Hendrix.

Such, such are the joys and revelations await the viewer of Wrestling Gold. It's not the most cohesive set -- the matches seemingly placed randomly without regard for chronology, promotion, or theme -- but for all its faults it's an incredibly generous look at a lost era.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

A NOTE RE: GRAPPLING LADIES

As I get into the glorious Wrestling Gold collection (opening match: Sherri Martel vs. Judy Martin) I should quickly clarify that I don't enjoy women's wrestling and I'll be skipping it anytime I'm reviewing a show/DVD in which it's featured. This is not to be confused with me saying that the pro wrestling isn't a skill that women can acquire and become proficient at, or that women can't be compelling performers in non-wrestling roles, etc. Sherri is probably one of my favorite pro wrestling performers of all time, I just don't have any interest in watching her wrestle.

I may make a [BOLD DECLARATION] to this effect someday and go into greater detail, but to do it now seems like a pretty disconcerting way to start a new wrestling blog given that the internet is aflame with Sasha Banks and Bayley fandom. I'd rather attempt to be a good blogger before I fall on my face trying to be a controversial hot-take spitter, nawmean?

Friday, January 20, 2017

WELCOME TO GRAPPLE TIME

I'm Puddin Taine, and I find myself being drawn in and out of pro wrestling.

I could tell you a lot about pro wrestling. I've watched it since I was 5. My earliest specific memory is an episode of WWF Spotlight that focused on the build-up to Summerslam '91. Summerslam '91 was a pay-per-view that had the odd distinction of a dual main event where a Hulk Hogan match shared top billing with the wedding of “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. I was confused then why a wedding was headlining a wrestling event and I'm confused now, which will lead to the first of the [Bold Declarations] by which I will become known.

BOLD DECLARATION #1 – I DON'T GET WRESTLING WEDDINGS

I don't get wrestling weddings. I'm not sure anyone does but Vince McMahon. I'm hard pressed to think of any other notable wrestling promoters that did them. I know other wrestling promotions have done wrestling weddings, but they were, frankly, shit-tier moneyhole promotions like late WCW or TNA that in their over-bureaucratized stupor were reduced to rank imitation of the Great Vince for lack of better ideas – or any real ideas whatsoever. They're derivative in form and function and I've already spent too much time considering them.

Vince McMahon, though, clearly feels that he's onto something with his juxtaposition of nuptials and wrestling rings. The first instance I know of is the wedding of Uncle Elmer, a forgotten wrestling hillbilly, and a certain Joyce back in the mid-80s. (I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't get the appeal of wrestling hillbillies, because ahahaha get a load of those merry sons of the soil.) Vince returned to it again with Macho and Elizabeth in '91, Stephanie and Undertaker/Test/HHH in the late 90s-early 00s, AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan, Kane and Lita, Edge and Lita, and probably others.

(I should confess here that I find the Stephanie-Undertaker and Edge-Lita weddings to be Top Tier Sports Entertainment but for reasons less to do with the wedding conceit and more to do with the fact that they were episodes in larger angles carried out by performers making the most of their hot streaks. Also the gay wedding where Eric Bischoff is in disguise as a minister and gets obese Samoans to beat people up for some reason is good.)

I guess I don't get the significance that Vince places in weddings in the wrestling context. I don't get why wrestling characters would feel compelled to get married as part of wrestling shows. It seems to be an outgrowth of Vince's delusion that he's really the maestro of a long-form drama/variety show hybrid. Vince has been trying to convince himself of this for years, and it's not truer now than when he started shopping it around as part of his press spiel: his outbursts of blunt corporate sloganeering and attempts at semantic wizardry make him come off as a cheap con man when he's really more of an elegant carny.

For my part, when I enjoy wrestling it's because it's fun to watch guys pretend to fight. Life consists of conflicts, and occasionally these conflicts take the form of aggressive sport, in which pro wrestling has a big advantage in being able to engineer certain character dynamics through predetermined results. I can't imagine it's much different for anyone else; when a wrestling wedding is announced, the outcome can probably be guessed at. If an outcome can be guessed at, I find myself asking why the outcome couldn't have been achieved by way of fake sport, a market on which WWE currently has a lock. A not-exactly-theoretical scenario that illustrates my puzzlement: Wrestling Girl and Wrestling Boy are characters on a wrestling show who need to break up – do you achieve this object by having Wrestling Girl take an action that leads to Wrestling Boy lose a big wrestling match? If you answer in the affirmative, you're not an eccentric flamboyant millionaire, who knows the best way to do this is to stage a wedding in a wrestling ring and then have the wedding interrupted by having an authority figure offer Wrestling Girl a new job. (This stops them from getting married for some reason.)

I doubt the previous paragraph nor the whole bit on wrestling weddings will be characteristic of the blog. Vince McMahon is smarter than me or you and my occasional brow-furrowing at his mysterious ways are not to be confused with the impotent millennial whining that litters the internet landscape. (The netscape?) This is a blog for honest and manly men like myself in particular and if you don't like that you can make like a corporate re-branding and get the F out.

No, like any worthwhile endeavor, this blog is written to address a real and serious problem: I'm kind of bored with wrestling in its current state and I want to rediscover what I like about it. I think I'll start by going over one of my favorite wrestling DVD box sets, Wrestling Gold! Going over it one.match.at.a.time.